Ugh

Tomorrow we'll be admitting Spencer to the hospital for his second surgery and I'm beginning to feel very, very sick with worry. Shame on me, when our little man is so brave and strong, right? Mommy is feeling a little weak. Damn it. I hate that feeling.

All I have to say is screw fear. I hate it -- I hate the feeling of vulnerability and sickness in the pit of my stomach. Fear makes me angry!

Please keep our family and especially little Spencer in your thoughts this week!

Moments

I sat in the chair this afternoon with a snoozing baby cuddled on my chest and I thought: wow, I am a mom and it feels so right. As Spencer snuggled against me, belly to belly, it kind of took my breath away. (This picture was from another day where I enjoyed a similar moment.)

What a blessing Spencer has become in my life. After I became pregnant...and again when we found out he had medical challenges...and at many other moments along the journey so far I've wondered: "can I do this?"-- meaning be a mom as well as be an advocate for my son.

The answer of course is a resounding, authoritative yes. Every day, I question my ability less and enjoy the moments more. The bond I have to Spencer is more visceral than I ever expected. I want to protect him. I want to protect my little family. I pity the person who first tries to judge him unjustly or hurts him in any way because hell hath no fury...

So, happy mother's day to all the mothers out there. I finally feel all those emotions you have tried to explain to me but I had to experience for myself to understand.

A Weekend with Grown Ups and Spencer Update

Brandon and I are taking a mini-retreat to Louisville to visit our friend Patrick and have some adult time. Grandma and Grandpa Harper are babysitting for us, so hopefully Spencer is a good boy! (He usually is.)

Spencer continues to grow and develop rapidly. He gives us lots of smiles, so we've captured a lot them on camera. He is also doing much better with tummy and side time. One of my absolute favorite things to do with Spencer is read him books. He gets big bug eyes and locks on to the images and looks so excited. Brandon took this picture of us reading one of his favorites: Dr. Seuss's ABCs.

Spencer also enjoys listening to his daddy play the guitar and music in general. In classic Amanda style, Spencer and I often take hip-hop boogie breaks at some point during the day.

We met with the colorectal surgery team this past Friday to discuss Spencer's next set of surgeries. We will be glad to get them behind us, and we have an incredible team of family and friends who are going to help us transition him when I go back to work May 24. I have mixed feeling about returning to work: I'll be glad to get back to being part of a professional team, but I know I'm going to be pining for Spencer time for sure!

My Favorite Time of the Day

Don't get me wrong - I hate being sleep deprived, but it's all worth it during those early morning hours when Spencer is the most smiley, happy little man in the world.

During the 6:30 a.m. to 9 a.m. time, Spencer is so visually alert and happy that I can't help but perk up. Seeing him look me directly in the eye then give me that beaming smile makes me so incredibly happy -- I think it's probably one of the best feelings in the world because I know he recognizes me and he's happy to see me. Love it! It makes me momentarily forget his medical challenges and know that he's going to be just fine. We love him so much. It's amazing how feeling that parental connection changes you.

Here is one of my favorite Smiley Spencer photos from the past two weeks and one I took of our feet in the backyard.

Spencer's New Activities

Spencer and I have been trying out some new playtime activities during the day to shake things up a bit.

In the morning, we've been playing with stuffed animals -- namely Grover and Mr. Bunny -- sitting up in the rocking chair while mom eats her breakfast. Spencer likes to sit up this time of day (he is normally very awake around the 7 a.m. hour after eating) and thinks it is really funny that I make silly faces at him while I am eating. He is all smiles and laughs and he seems to enjoy the softness of these two particular stuffed animal friends.

Later, in his afternoon bug-eyed time we've been working on floor time. In addition to his monkey island mat, we are doing side and tummy time with the help of a cute blanket my little from the 110 (Christina) made him and the fun mirror Jane bought him. He's much more tolerant of belly/side time and is doing great as far as I can tell! I've also been using the mirror as short-term entertainment in the crib, which he seems to enjoy.

Otherwise, we're doing the usual circuit: books, looking at pictures in the house, funny faces, talking, cuddling, etc. I'm working hard on taking time for myself during the day, even if Spencer isn't fully cooperating. I took some advice from a friend (and great mom of THREE, Lisa) and decided I can't beat myself up for not entertaining him every waking moment.

Spring

There is something about this time of year that just gives you a sense of happiness. It always amazes me how much I miss hearing the birds sing and the bugs buzzing around until spring arrives. One day, it's like: hello! the birds have arrived. A few weeks later, everything starts blooming and suddenly everywhere your walk smells sweet and fragrant from all the flowering trees.

Spencer and I have been enjoying some outdoor time these past few weeks. It's been warm enough to take him out in a onesie and socks to listen to the birds and enjoy the breeze. Yesterday I did some serious work in the yard while Grandpa Kevin played with Spencer. It was nice to get out and do something other than change diapers!

Spencer continues to become more interactive on a daily basis, which is fun. He smiles often, laughs, grasps things and makes all kinds of funny vocalizations.

Losing Myself

As I continue to navigate this new role as mother, I feel as if I'm losing a bit of myself, even my identity. The result is extreme psychological highs and lows.

For so long I have identified myself as an active, fast-moving "do-er." I was cooking complex dinners, having engaging conversations with my husband, walking and hiking miles upon miles with our dog, traveling, accomplishing things at work.

But for the past two months I've lived and breathed Spencer. Most of the time, that is a happy, fulfilling thing -- I mean, look at this face?

It's mommy all the time: Change the diaper, empty the colostomy bag, mix formula, wash bottles, feed him, rock him to sleep, entertain him, comfort him...it takes every ounce of my energy and focus.

I know this is the right role for me right now, but sometimes I can't help feeling resentful. When can I enjoy the things I used to do? Why do I feel guilty when I spend a few minutes not engaging him in activities when he is alert? Why do I put everything else second? And how can I possibly find the time, energy and focus to devote to the other important things in my life?

Will I ever feel like me again?