Beautiful, Fleeting Life

It is a little too easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day grind, but I've learned anything during my time as a parent is to focus on the present -- as hard as that may be sometimes-- block out the noise and enjoy every magical moment. Cherish it. Chew it up, digest it and let it radiate throughout your body, making a permanent mark in your memory. That is life - the moments. The relationships. The experiences.

Sometimes I feel like that guy in American Beauty ... the world if full of beauty. Sometimes I feel like it is so beautiful that I will become consumed by it. It isn't a bad thing - it's actually a great thing, but it's a different type of overwhelmed. For me, it's the type of feeling that makes me want to cling to the moment ... never let it go. It makes me feel a sense of inevitability ... like I am enjoying the moment so much I am absolutely petrified it will disappear and I will never experience that joy again.

I know, inside my head can be a little intense.

Things I love and never want to forget:

the sound of Spencer's giggle - sometimes spontaneously erupting from him at the most unexpected times, like in the car on the way home from school

Brandon reading the "don't tickle the duck" book out loud to Spencer

the feeling of a hug with a friend or loved one after being apart a little too long

my snuggly baby, rocking, dancing, holding each other close

the pride of seeing your child learn something new ... small or large

the feeling of peace and safety sleeping next to my husband

the concentration on Spencer's face when he is coloring or building blocks and the exuberant "I found it" or "I got it" he exclaims after completing a task

the sound of the ocean

the feeling of the warm Hawaiian breeze blowing through my hair driving with the top down

the cottage in Kona where Brandon and I spent one of our best vacations

the pride of finishing a backpacking trip and the satisfying ache of my muscles afterward

the importance of great girlfriends in helping you navigate life's often tricky waters

my grandpa's blue eyes and the smell of his truck

my grandma's laugh and family parties

I could go on and on and on.

Life is beautiful. Screw the ugly stuff, it's not important. Living life is important.

Extraordinary Unpredictability

Nights like tonight are always filled with an odd mix of anxiety, restlessness and a feeling of both sheer adrenaline and exhaustion. It's a strange sensation ... like you are at the cusp of something monumental and inevitable. For me, it fills me with intense tension - I'm ready to spring, barrelling everyone in my path out of the way, holding fiercely two my little nuclear family as I propel us toward the finish line ... to the end of yet another procedure safely and without scary eventfulness.

I never imagined going through what we've gone through in the past two years. Its unfathomable to think about handing your precious child over to a team of anesthesiologists, nurses and doctors just one time - let alone eight. Tomorrow will be the ninth time Spencer goes under anesthesia ...

It amazes me that so many people have "normal" pregnancies. So many of my friends have had unexpected things happen in their journeys to become pregnant ... several had trouble conceiving, another was diagnosed with a serious personal health condition, another's child had major surgery, another had preclampsia and yet another was gestational.

Life is unpredictable, unfair and unexpected I guess. Fortunately, we've all come out the other end OK. Definitely a little pockmarked, bruised and perhaps a little wiser or more cynical ... but surviving and thriving, damn it.