For so long I have identified myself as an active, fast-moving "do-er." I was cooking complex dinners, having engaging conversations with my husband, walking and hiking miles upon miles with our dog, traveling, accomplishing things at work.
But for the past two months I've lived and breathed Spencer. Most of the time, that is a happy, fulfilling thing -- I mean, look at this face?
It's mommy all the time: Change the diaper, empty the colostomy bag, mix formula, wash bottles, feed him, rock him to sleep, entertain him, comfort him...it takes every ounce of my energy and focus.
I know this is the right role for me right now, but sometimes I can't help feeling resentful. When can I enjoy the things I used to do? Why do I feel guilty when I spend a few minutes not engaging him in activities when he is alert? Why do I put everything else second? And how can I possibly find the time, energy and focus to devote to the other important things in my life?
Will I ever feel like me again?
1 comment:
Your not losing yourself. All the things that make you you are still there you have just added new dimensions and complexity. Your growing in a different way one that requires you to learn the selfless side of you. Sort of like when you become a couple with some one else there are always adjustments and compromises. Same thing with a new baby. It does not seem like it now but Spencer will grow so quickly and before you know it will become less and less dependent and you will miss his dependency but it will just mark another facet of lifes journey.
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