Fragility

I’m not the praying type, but I find myself desperately pleading with God these days.

I am so scared all the time, sometimes that fear comes out as anger, other times uncontainable crying. I start to let myself be happy, feel solid then something cracks the fascade, revealing the reality below: A 33-year-old woman who feels a bit broken, like a wound that won’t heal because she is absolutely petrified she will lose her son. My amazingly funny, smart and energetic little man, almost two and ready to conquer the world … just if his body will keep up.

The unknown is what is so hard. Right now, the big unknown is how well his kidney is functioning. We had testing done earlier this month and now his urologist is out of the country, unavailable to give us answers, until after Christmas. In the meantime I called to see if the nurses could tell me anything … the only thing they could tell me is that our urologist wants us to get a urinalysis and have further evaluation with a different nephrologist than we typically see.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Getting as many hugs and kisses as I can get, showing him all the love I can muster and praying desperately for him to not be taken away from us prematurely.

I am trying so very hard to accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change those I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference, all while keeping my anger at bay. But sometimes it is a minute-by-minute battle.