Surgery Over, Family Time at Home

Spencer's hand/arm surgery went well and we are glad to have that piece behind us. Now we are hanging out at home while he recovers and enjoying some family time.

Today it was gorgeous outside, so we took a long walk then played quite a bit outside. Spencer loves being outside. Today, he discovered the joy of putting sticks in a bucket and pulling our neighbors solar lights out of the flower bed. He also enjoyed some quality walking/slight running time with Mom up and down the sidewalks - cast be damned, it's not slowing him down!

My favorite thing that Spencer is doing right now is leads me by my finger all around the house and yard. It's so sweet. He also likes to sit on the bottom step of the house and swing his legs then he just grins like he is so proud. I love watching him experience this confidence in himself. He does the same thing when he achieves something new: for example walking backward pulling a toy or getting on and off his car all by himself.

Today, I got him to eat by squirting baby food from a pouch in his mouth. He found it hilarious. he also found it hilarious when Dad made the book do a monster chomp and almost bit his fingers.

So fun! I'm thankful for this time at home with Spencer, even though he's a little grumpier than usualy. Heck, I'd probably be a lot harder to deal with if I had the surgery he just had!

Twas the Eve Before Surgery

...and all through the house, people were chattering but I was quiet as a mouse.

Ok, quiet or snippy. Not much in between.

It feels surreal to be back here again. Spencer's last surgery was in August - that seems like a blessedly long time ago. I am admittedly having a hard time keeping the anxiety and emotion at bay tonight.

Please be thinking and praying for my sweet little boy Wednesday during his surgery. He is such a superstar.

Mr. Personality

Spencer is so funny at this age.

A few quick things I've enjoyed watching him learn this week ...

• backing up and sitting on the bottom step of our house and swinging his legs
• backing up and sitting on my lap
• getting on and off his car all by himself
• leading me by my index finger

Today, we gave him his Easter/pre-surgery gift. He really enjoyed raking the floor with his new rake and when we gave him his little watering can with water in it, he promptly watered himself. The water was cold - but it didn't stop him from repetively dumping the water on his lap until it was gone. Then he stood up and pulling his pants up and looking at them like "how did that happen?"

Funny stuff!

Episodes of Unbalance

By Friday, I usually feel completely unbalanced and something fairly small in the whole realm of things tips me over the edge. Tonight, it was mild choking incident during dinner with Spencer and slow-moving No. 2 day with Spencer.

I get so angry with myself for these radical flips in mood that lead me to full emotional breakdowns. Its such immature and ridiculous behavior yet I'm not sure how to stop myself from tipping over the edge.

Spencer is happy. He's playing and running all over the house. He does every night. So why does he make me feel so sad sometimes? I know why ... it's not just one reason.

I watch him just radiate joy and I so desperately want to participate in his energy 150 percent, but it is dampened by this ever-looming sense of fear and worry for his future on so many levels.

I am angry at the situation and the fact that he hasn't started out on a level playing field ...

...that no matter what I do or have done, I can't change reality. This is reality, this is his life, this is my life, this is our family's life.

... I know deep down that I have still not fully accepted this. And it hurts to acknowledge that I am that selfish and stupid to be unable to change. (I guess self-recognition is the right first step though, right?)

These episodes of unbalance sometimes leave me feeling lost, alone and a bit desperate for the ability to change. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling this way. It's self-defeating and silly.

Most days, I don't. But I could go for a once-a-year melt down instead of weekly!

My Energetic 14-Month Old

Spencer is so much fun at this age - he is always making us laugh, even when he throws a temper tantrum. And let me tell you, he is perfecting the temper tantrum. He does this little "hah hah", thrwos his head back as is to say "oh, the agony", closes his eyes and shows his teeth. It's kinda funny.

Other funny things Spencer is doing right now:

• chasing the cats and dog with his lawn mower in the house ... he thinks it his hilarious when the popping and his squeals of "TAT" or "DA" make them run away in horror.
• pushing and dragging our bedroom trashcan all over the upstairs. Seriously, coolest toy EVER!
• throwing the dog's toy to her and then unleashing this irresistible Spencer giggle... he gives the same giggle when we tickle him, which is a nightly bedtime ritual between Dad and Spencer.
• Backing up into corners, pulling a toy with him...
• Climbing over mom and dad if we are laying on the floor,
• running up and down our sidewalks going "ahhahahhahah" and, best of all,
• jumping onto piles of blankets or a spare pillow, then rolling laughing. This all started when my mom was here a few weeks ago and he was jumping on towels showing off. We then starting playing the rolling game in his room during whiny play times.

This weekend we went to the Cincinnati Zoo and Spencer had a great time playing at their playground. He crawled through a turtle shell and went down a slide for the first time. Fun stuff!

Playing the Pillow Game

Pushing the Mower

Kickin' Myself in the Butt

I've decided to try and kickstart my professional development again...I fear I may stagnate otherwise. Today I refreshed my limited knowledge of Twitter...the tool isn't super useful in my current job, but it's a communication vehicle and I'm a communicator, sooo....I've decided to give myself a new identify and work to build it: CincyWorkinMama. This is really more of who I am these days...I don't do as much animal peddling because I am too busy trying to keep everything else afloat. Any other workin' mamas out there? How do you balance the daily demands while also taking care of yourself?

The Ugly Truth About Motherhood

It's not the all roses and sunshine like the sitcoms and BS advertisemenst would lead you to believe.

It's hard.

It's often riddled with guilt and self-doubt.

It makes you feel inadequate - am I doing enough for my son? work? my spouse?

It's WORK. Sometimes it feels like all I do is work...and I like to beat myself up constantly about what work is more important.

Have I lost you yet?

Well, I'm a working mom. I used to get a lot of satisfaction out of achieving at work. Big media placement. (cha-ching, I'm a rock star.) Learned to use the new video software. (Boo-yah, resume building.) GMAT and grad school? No problem - must push ahead.

Now? Ugh. Work. Must.Make.The.Donuts.Earn.Paycheck.Feels like a completely unimportant chore.

And here comes the guilt train again...because, guess what? I'm lucky - I have a decent paying job with exceptional benefits, medical and vacation. Not everyone can say that. I have this ticking time bomb of mom guilt in my belly all the time. Spencer's medical stuff ratchets that up 10x.

But it's an internal, self-defeating battle that I know is eating me alive. I just don't know how to win the fight. One thing is for sure...it makes me feel a little bit crazy sometimes.

I've spent the past two days at home with a sick baby. Fortunately, his fever broke (after two and a half days) on Monday. Now he's just dealing with the nasty after-effects of a bacterial infection -violent coughing, reduced appetite. Although he was sick, I enjoyed my time at home with Spencer. He is so busy, even in his reduced-energy state, that he is always exploring something. It's fun to watch him figure things out. It would be so easy to miss those moments if you weren't focused on watching him play. So, that's what I've been trying to do: Give him my full physical and mental attention every time I am with him. No mind wandering, no negative thoughts. Just Spencer.

So, a few things little Spencer is doing right now...

mimicking play - imitating sounds or motions we do (for example, clicking his tongue or grabbing a toy out of my mouth, then putting it is his and holding it out for me to grab)

intentionally placing toys - on shelve, in a corner, etc - then going back to retrieve them

picking up items and giving them to me with intention

chasing the cats...he wants to catch one so bad

and -best of all - giving me big smiles followed by all-out hugs!

Much love between this Mama and Babe, even if he has taken to smacking me in the chest and, unfortunately, in the face a few times. Sigh. I'll need to work on that.