The Ugly Truth About Motherhood

It's not the all roses and sunshine like the sitcoms and BS advertisemenst would lead you to believe.

It's hard.

It's often riddled with guilt and self-doubt.

It makes you feel inadequate - am I doing enough for my son? work? my spouse?

It's WORK. Sometimes it feels like all I do is work...and I like to beat myself up constantly about what work is more important.

Have I lost you yet?

Well, I'm a working mom. I used to get a lot of satisfaction out of achieving at work. Big media placement. (cha-ching, I'm a rock star.) Learned to use the new video software. (Boo-yah, resume building.) GMAT and grad school? No problem - must push ahead.

Now? Ugh. Work. Must.Make.The.Donuts.Earn.Paycheck.Feels like a completely unimportant chore.

And here comes the guilt train again...because, guess what? I'm lucky - I have a decent paying job with exceptional benefits, medical and vacation. Not everyone can say that. I have this ticking time bomb of mom guilt in my belly all the time. Spencer's medical stuff ratchets that up 10x.

But it's an internal, self-defeating battle that I know is eating me alive. I just don't know how to win the fight. One thing is for sure...it makes me feel a little bit crazy sometimes.

I've spent the past two days at home with a sick baby. Fortunately, his fever broke (after two and a half days) on Monday. Now he's just dealing with the nasty after-effects of a bacterial infection -violent coughing, reduced appetite. Although he was sick, I enjoyed my time at home with Spencer. He is so busy, even in his reduced-energy state, that he is always exploring something. It's fun to watch him figure things out. It would be so easy to miss those moments if you weren't focused on watching him play. So, that's what I've been trying to do: Give him my full physical and mental attention every time I am with him. No mind wandering, no negative thoughts. Just Spencer.

So, a few things little Spencer is doing right now...

mimicking play - imitating sounds or motions we do (for example, clicking his tongue or grabbing a toy out of my mouth, then putting it is his and holding it out for me to grab)

intentionally placing toys - on shelve, in a corner, etc - then going back to retrieve them

picking up items and giving them to me with intention

chasing the cats...he wants to catch one so bad

and -best of all - giving me big smiles followed by all-out hugs!

Much love between this Mama and Babe, even if he has taken to smacking me in the chest and, unfortunately, in the face a few times. Sigh. I'll need to work on that.