Episodes of Unbalance

By Friday, I usually feel completely unbalanced and something fairly small in the whole realm of things tips me over the edge. Tonight, it was mild choking incident during dinner with Spencer and slow-moving No. 2 day with Spencer.

I get so angry with myself for these radical flips in mood that lead me to full emotional breakdowns. Its such immature and ridiculous behavior yet I'm not sure how to stop myself from tipping over the edge.

Spencer is happy. He's playing and running all over the house. He does every night. So why does he make me feel so sad sometimes? I know why ... it's not just one reason.

I watch him just radiate joy and I so desperately want to participate in his energy 150 percent, but it is dampened by this ever-looming sense of fear and worry for his future on so many levels.

I am angry at the situation and the fact that he hasn't started out on a level playing field ...

...that no matter what I do or have done, I can't change reality. This is reality, this is his life, this is my life, this is our family's life.

... I know deep down that I have still not fully accepted this. And it hurts to acknowledge that I am that selfish and stupid to be unable to change. (I guess self-recognition is the right first step though, right?)

These episodes of unbalance sometimes leave me feeling lost, alone and a bit desperate for the ability to change. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling this way. It's self-defeating and silly.

Most days, I don't. But I could go for a once-a-year melt down instead of weekly!