The Ugly Truth About Motherhood

It's not the all roses and sunshine like the sitcoms and BS advertisemenst would lead you to believe.

It's hard.

It's often riddled with guilt and self-doubt.

It makes you feel inadequate - am I doing enough for my son? work? my spouse?

It's WORK. Sometimes it feels like all I do is work...and I like to beat myself up constantly about what work is more important.

Have I lost you yet?

Well, I'm a working mom. I used to get a lot of satisfaction out of achieving at work. Big media placement. (cha-ching, I'm a rock star.) Learned to use the new video software. (Boo-yah, resume building.) GMAT and grad school? No problem - must push ahead.

Now? Ugh. Work. Must.Make.The.Donuts.Earn.Paycheck.Feels like a completely unimportant chore.

And here comes the guilt train again...because, guess what? I'm lucky - I have a decent paying job with exceptional benefits, medical and vacation. Not everyone can say that. I have this ticking time bomb of mom guilt in my belly all the time. Spencer's medical stuff ratchets that up 10x.

But it's an internal, self-defeating battle that I know is eating me alive. I just don't know how to win the fight. One thing is for sure...it makes me feel a little bit crazy sometimes.

I've spent the past two days at home with a sick baby. Fortunately, his fever broke (after two and a half days) on Monday. Now he's just dealing with the nasty after-effects of a bacterial infection -violent coughing, reduced appetite. Although he was sick, I enjoyed my time at home with Spencer. He is so busy, even in his reduced-energy state, that he is always exploring something. It's fun to watch him figure things out. It would be so easy to miss those moments if you weren't focused on watching him play. So, that's what I've been trying to do: Give him my full physical and mental attention every time I am with him. No mind wandering, no negative thoughts. Just Spencer.

So, a few things little Spencer is doing right now...

mimicking play - imitating sounds or motions we do (for example, clicking his tongue or grabbing a toy out of my mouth, then putting it is his and holding it out for me to grab)

intentionally placing toys - on shelve, in a corner, etc - then going back to retrieve them

picking up items and giving them to me with intention

chasing the cats...he wants to catch one so bad

and -best of all - giving me big smiles followed by all-out hugs!

Much love between this Mama and Babe, even if he has taken to smacking me in the chest and, unfortunately, in the face a few times. Sigh. I'll need to work on that.

Manic Depressive

That's the way I'd describe myself lately...swinging violently high and low. It's exhausting.

Lots of things are assuredly affecting these swirls of emotions...friends welcoming new babies, remembering our own "new baby" experience then reliving the last year and thinking about the future for Spencer and our family.

I fear I'm on a slippery slope and spring is the only hope of pulling me out of it. I've felt consumed by fear, anxiety and anger lately.It's a vicious cycle - I get mad at myself for dwelling and worrying that I can't enjoy the moments in front of me fully. It's exhaustingly self-defeating.

Extreme Highs and Lows

The past month has been filled with extreme highs and lows for me from an emotional perspective.

Spencer is turning into such a little boy - asserting his independence by telling Mom what he wants to eat (or, more often, NOT eat), walking on the border of running around the house to explore everything from dog toys to his musical instrument set from Granny Lynn or his wagon from Great Aunt & Uncle Shauna and Joe and learning to throw a quality tantrum.

Switching Spencer over to table food and milk has been a challenge. He gets so hungry he sees red and can't think by the time dinner rolls around, leading him to eat to fast and choke on the table food. He has this perpetual snotty mucous that won't seem to go away, too, due to winter, school germs and possibly the TEF repair. All of this adds up to some stressful eating times. We are trying so very hard to chill and go with the flow, a message we've heard repeated so many times at this point that I just might punch the next person who says it to me. Being the neurotic control-freak that I am, I admittedly am having a hard time with it.

We've also scheduled Spencer's next surgery: the first of what could be three arm/hand surgeries. It needs to happen, but I am dreading it. UC is also going through some major budget crises (thank you, Governor) that doen't really help me relax. I'm just keeping my head down and doing my work thoroughly. Gotta keep that medical insurance!

BUT...aside from all this crap swirling around in my head, Spencer is oh so much fun at 13 months. He loves his Mama...he will often throw himself into my arms with exhuberance, smiling and hugging me. Oh, what a great feeling. And who could be stressed when you hear a baby giggle? Spencer has such an amazing giggle ... I smile just thinking about it. He also has a light-up-the-room smile. He shows it often, as he is so proud of himself learning all these new things (like putting his blocks on the dining room chair) or throwing Ginger her toy. What simple pleasures.

So, I admittedly still give in sometimes and end up crying to release all the emotion while I am rocking Spencer to sleep. (I did tonight, in fact.) But I also find myself marveling at how quickly he is changing and growing up, trying to imprint every bit of his joy into my brain.

Here is a video of Spencer playing ball with his Great Grandpa Willard during our recent trip to Arizona. He loves playing ball!

Celebrating Two Lives - One Remembered, One Just Beginning

It was a bittersweet week.

On Tuesday, my Grandma Jo - my only living grandparent - passed away. She had become pretty ill during the past six months, first with a diagnosis of heart failure then a bad fall that resulted in a broken hip. Amazingly, she survived hip surgery (despite the heart condition) but she took a turn for the worse this past weekend. On Friday, we remembered her life on the same day my son turned one. It was a bit surreal.

Two things meant the world to my grandma: her family and her pets. Both of these circles of loved ones were big - she is survived by more than 30 grand-, great-grand and great-great grandchildren, along with two grown children of her own (My aunt Brenda, unfortunately, died young.) -- and she had too many pets to count. (Anyone interested in adopting a sweet cat?)

Her funeral was the first time my entire extended family has gathered together in many years. The closest we've come to doing so in recent years was my Aunt Brenda's funeral then a family party I organized in 2009.

Seeing everyone together again was the definition of bittersweet for me. It really ticked me off that we have let ourselves become so distant, particularly for Grandma's sake. It always meant so much to her that the family be close. In fact, throughout my entire childhood she made sure that we had two extended family parties each year. Before we left the summer party, we picked a date for the winer party. We ate country food, played games and laughed often. I have wonderful memories of those times.

So, to honor my Grandmother's memory I am going to try and re-institute these family gatherings. If it doesn't work, OK. But our little family is going to make an effort to see our big extended family more often.

Today we celebrated Spencer's first birthday with a small group of family and friends. He had a great time once he warmed up to the group. His favorite present was from Aunt Anna and Uncle Hess...an earth-friendly wood xylophone. (Mommy's favorite present was the organic bamboo cotton T-shirts from Paula...I want one for myself!)

Spencer is doing great. We were put on 3 month follow-up for urology again and are considering an impromptu family vacation to Arizona in March. He weighs just over 22 pounds and measures just shy of 30 inches. He is also taking Frankenstein steps as he continues to explore the increasingly large world around him.

Here are a few pics from the party.

Moments That Horrify and Amuse

Spencer is so engaged in exploring the world around him right now. Everything is so very, very interesting…even the things we don’t want him to get into. Cell phones, electrical cords, bits of fuzz or dirt on the floor, the dog’s MOUTH!

In the past few weeks I’ve had moments that almost made me cry with laughing and shudder at the same time. Here a few that stand out...

• When Spencer discovered his non-functional thumb while eating breakfast one morning … then promptly starting batting it with the other hands like a cat toy…

• Said incident then progressed to tugging on the thumb during diaper changes for amusement then gentle nibbling to explore this fascinating new “toy.” (When instructed to stop doing this, he looked at me as if I was crazy. “Why, mom? This is cool.”

• When Spencer discovered his bottom, reaching around and displaying a surprise for Mom…I’ll leave that one to your imagination. Ewww.

• When Spencer leaned down, his mouth forming a wide, perfect circle to kiss the dog…on the nose. Yes, he was successful. And yes he has tried several more times to do so.

• When Spencer flat-handedly smacked me in the cheek…

• When Spencer grabbed my cell phone out of my hand, looked at me proudly as he shook it like a rattle…then promptly launched it – with force – into my fresh glass of water. The phone, predictably, died a quick gurgley death.

• And today, in his eagerness to give me a hug he launched himself at my face - mouth open - giving me a way too sloppy kiss right on the mouth.

Here's a video of him doing one of his favorite new tricks: Playing in our water glasses...

It’s only going to get more amusing and fun from here, right?

Bittersweet Revelation

Tonight when - for the second night in a row - cuddling and/or rocking just wasn't cutting it at bedtime and laying down in bed instead DID, I realized something: My baby is truly becoming a big boy. He doesn't need to always snuggle with mom to go to sleep now.

Wow. Where did the time go?

One of my favorite things has and will always be baby snuggles. Spencer and I have spent many precious moments together snuggling before bedtime - playing eat the baby's fingers (during which I act like I am eating Spencer's fingers and he giggles), hair/face tickling, reading books, chest to chest, snuggled in the nook of my arm...the list goes on. And I loved every single minute. I'm sure he hasn't completely ditched the nighttime cuddles, but it certainly reminded me to cherish every single one even more. He's only going to get bigger!

Now I don't feel a single bit guilty for letting him fall asleep for his afternoon nap when I was off work last week and rocking longer than necessary. The best feeling in the world is your sleeping baby on your chest.

This are two clips I took of Spencer sleeping in December. So precious, peaceful, perfect.

A New Year, A New Version of Me

A lot can change in a year.

In 2010…

I endured 30+ hours of labor and a hemorrhage post-partum, confirming my long-held fears of childbirth…

I became a mother to a sweet, happy little boy and finally understood what it meant to be truly, viscerally connected to another human being…

I became a neurotic worry-wart, due to my son’s unique medical challenges…

I became consumed with fear, worry and anger because of said medical challenges and the possible implications for his future…

I mourned the idea of a perfect family – mom, dad, two and half kids, dog and picket white fences …

I questioned the motives of God and the universe, pondering what I did to make my son deserve to be born with such challenges…

I blamed myself for doing some unknown thing to cause Spencer’s birth defects, then tried to find other sources that I could blame, but came up with no concrete answers…

I stopped letting myself feel joy, instead dwelling on the negative and sometimes unintentionally hurting the people who were showing me the most love and support…

I watched friends struggle with fertility, while incompetent parents seemed to pop up at every corner…

I was jealous of friends and strangers living their seemingly perfect, happy lives with their kids or embracing pregnancy with the hope and joy I felt robbed of…

The list goes on.

But, I also was humbled in so many ways. And for that, I am grateful. I am a new me. I am hardened and softened at the same time.

Spencer spent the first 19 days of his life in the care of an amazing team of nurses, physician assistants, surgeons and specialists at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center. From day one, he defied the odds.

Doctors: “Expect him to be in the hospital for up to four months recovering.”

Reality: 19 days, we had him home – no feeding tube, no catheters and thriving. And this was after two major surgeries. Amazing.

Doctors: “Kids with this problem typically have growth problems.”

Reality: He’s climbing the growth charts and knocking everyone’s socks off developmentally.

We were lifted up by an extended network of family, friends and perfect strangers during the toughest times as we adjusted to our new “normal” and life as both new parents and parents to a child with significant medial hurdles to overcome.

We were blessed with the Cadillac of health insurance plans through my work. To date, we’ve racked up close to $400,000 in medical bills and paid a few hundred out of pocket. I don’t want to even imagine where would be financially without that coverage.

I’ll spare you the long, tedious details because if you read my blog, you are more than likely one of those close friends or a family member. But the road was long, filled with hills and mountains of emotion and stress to climb but also joy and laughter as we watched our tiny little boy, who seemed so fragile at birth, become the amazing little man he is today at just under 11 months old.

We still have challenges ahead, but if Brandon and I can be as strong as our son, I think we’ll tackle the mountain just fine. I admit: I have to remind myself of this at least daily…sometimes hourly, other times just here and there.

I can’t flip a switch and accept the situation overnight. Hell, it might take years. But 2011 is going to be a better year, and I’m committed to trying to live in the moment as much as possible. I’m going to enjoy my son and husband and the life we have as a family. The future is the future. Why dwell on it? It will come when it comes. Life is short. Why not be happy? These are my new mantras.

I read this great story today, by Paul Daugherty – a local writer in Cincinnati—talking about his daughter, who has down’ syndrome. Predictably, it made me cry…mostly because he so unconditionally loves his daughter and is fiercely proud of her, despite other people trying to define her by her seeming limitations. I am ashamed of myself sometimes because – in worrying about the “what ifs” of the future, I know I am trying to limit Spencer. That is such a disservice to him. He has never failed to amaze me. I’m sure the same will be true as my baby grows into a man.

Here’s a link to Daugherty’s story: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/paul_daugherty/12/22/jillian/index.html?eref=sihp

So, I’m going to re-enter the blogging world…maybe not as often as in the past…but I’m going to celebrate the joy of Spencer here. It is so infectious; I want to share the joy he brings to my life with my friends. By sharing, I am also giving myself a little self-therapy, which is a big part of my personal path to healing.

Spencer teaches me new things everyday…about love, joy, myself, the world and other people, and what truly matters in life. It is enlightening and completely frightening all at the same time.

Here’s to a happy and healthy 2011!