Beautiful, Fleeting Life

It is a little too easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day grind, but I've learned anything during my time as a parent is to focus on the present -- as hard as that may be sometimes-- block out the noise and enjoy every magical moment. Cherish it. Chew it up, digest it and let it radiate throughout your body, making a permanent mark in your memory. That is life - the moments. The relationships. The experiences.

Sometimes I feel like that guy in American Beauty ... the world if full of beauty. Sometimes I feel like it is so beautiful that I will become consumed by it. It isn't a bad thing - it's actually a great thing, but it's a different type of overwhelmed. For me, it's the type of feeling that makes me want to cling to the moment ... never let it go. It makes me feel a sense of inevitability ... like I am enjoying the moment so much I am absolutely petrified it will disappear and I will never experience that joy again.

I know, inside my head can be a little intense.

Things I love and never want to forget:

the sound of Spencer's giggle - sometimes spontaneously erupting from him at the most unexpected times, like in the car on the way home from school

Brandon reading the "don't tickle the duck" book out loud to Spencer

the feeling of a hug with a friend or loved one after being apart a little too long

my snuggly baby, rocking, dancing, holding each other close

the pride of seeing your child learn something new ... small or large

the feeling of peace and safety sleeping next to my husband

the concentration on Spencer's face when he is coloring or building blocks and the exuberant "I found it" or "I got it" he exclaims after completing a task

the sound of the ocean

the feeling of the warm Hawaiian breeze blowing through my hair driving with the top down

the cottage in Kona where Brandon and I spent one of our best vacations

the pride of finishing a backpacking trip and the satisfying ache of my muscles afterward

the importance of great girlfriends in helping you navigate life's often tricky waters

my grandpa's blue eyes and the smell of his truck

my grandma's laugh and family parties

I could go on and on and on.

Life is beautiful. Screw the ugly stuff, it's not important. Living life is important.

Extraordinary Unpredictability

Nights like tonight are always filled with an odd mix of anxiety, restlessness and a feeling of both sheer adrenaline and exhaustion. It's a strange sensation ... like you are at the cusp of something monumental and inevitable. For me, it fills me with intense tension - I'm ready to spring, barrelling everyone in my path out of the way, holding fiercely two my little nuclear family as I propel us toward the finish line ... to the end of yet another procedure safely and without scary eventfulness.

I never imagined going through what we've gone through in the past two years. Its unfathomable to think about handing your precious child over to a team of anesthesiologists, nurses and doctors just one time - let alone eight. Tomorrow will be the ninth time Spencer goes under anesthesia ...

It amazes me that so many people have "normal" pregnancies. So many of my friends have had unexpected things happen in their journeys to become pregnant ... several had trouble conceiving, another was diagnosed with a serious personal health condition, another's child had major surgery, another had preclampsia and yet another was gestational.

Life is unpredictable, unfair and unexpected I guess. Fortunately, we've all come out the other end OK. Definitely a little pockmarked, bruised and perhaps a little wiser or more cynical ... but surviving and thriving, damn it.

Nutzo

I've decided working around science and medicine is both good and bad for my health.

It is amazing to me how my attitudes toward medical care as well as personal lifestyle choices have been altered during my six years in health PR. In a way, I miss my naivety ...now I worry about everything! Lead paint chipping turning to dust, triclosan and pesticides in hidden places, aneurysms, cancer, the list goes on!

That's my random thought of the day. Is it the weekend yet?

Mango Flavored Baby Kisses Are Even Sweeter

... ok, I guess Spencer isn't technically a baby any more, but he'll always be my baby. Tonight - after playing Lady and the Tramp with a spoon on mango sorbet (me with a two-sided plastic spoon between my teeth and Spencer eating off the other end), I got an impromptu, mango-slobber kiss.

Ah, these are the memories I never want to forget: Spencer, sitting on our living room smiling like he didn't have a care in the world, enjoying some a delicious Saturday night treat of mango sorbet.

It's easy to get wrapped up in all the hard stuff -- the ifs, the questions, the day-to-day obstacles, future fears. What is important is embracing the moments in front of you. I admittedly have periods of great success doing this and many other erratic periods of epic failure on this front. It's a flaw, I'm working on it.

After a meltdown on Friday (my most common meltdown day) during Spencer's dinner, the day after his second esophagus dilatation, we ended up having impromptu playtime in the backyard sprinkler while Brandon was watering the grass. It was so fun watching Spencer explore the sprinkler. I found myself startled by my own genuine laughter and smiles. It feels good to smile, to laugh, to truly be enjoying the moment without effort. If could bottle that feeling, I'd become a millionaire selling it.

Chatty, Dancing Man

Spencer is turning into quite the dancer ... not only does he do his patented fast riverdance/maniac run, he now has added a spin move. Spinning is very funny for everyone involved, including Spencer!

Spencer has also really begun to chatter with intention - the words aren't perfect, but he says mom, dad, this, dog, cat, out, drawer, bottle, treat, bird and some other things that we sometimes recognize. He is also a super helper. He helps us load the dishwasher, put clothes away and put things in the trash. What a superstar!

This weekend Spencer and I enjoyed our first play date with Hazel, Paula, Brayden and Sara. The little babies were absolutely fascinated with each other. Spencer was like " hmmm" boring, but enjoyed trying to touch them. He also gave Hazel a hug and a kiss the night before when we babysat her and rocked Brayden in his car seat. My big boy! Wasn't he just that small?

Laughter is the best medicine

Yesterday was a hard day, in a week of hard days and sudden changes.

I was feeling anxious, angry, stressed and short tempered on yet another trip to Children's to see yet another specialist.

Then, our super-energetic son, gave me this beaming smile, leaned back to look at me and decided to try and blow a zerbert (wet, sloppy kiss) on my belly - even though he was in my arms. Brandon and I exploded with laughter. The real kicker was when he tried to do the same to his own belly. So funny, that little man of ours.

Cast Be Gone!

Today we got the cast off - whoo hoo! Now Spencer is in a splint full time for two weeks, then back to night splinting only. He really didn't let it slow him down at all - he learned to climb up the stairs with the cast on. Imagine what he'll do once the splint is gone, too. Here comes trouble!