This past weekend, we went to Knoxville to visit Ben, Carrie and baby Luke. It wasn't as odd I thought it might be to see them with a baby. They seemed to be settled into a pattern of existence. Both seem a bit stressed and growing into their new roles: Ben as sole provider and Carrie as a full-time mom.
Watching them has escalated the already mixed emotions into my head. I'm happy for them, but I also feel somewhat angry and somewhat jealous at the same time. Welcome to my screwed up head.
I think I feel this way because them having a baby symbolizes another decade in our lives: the decade of building a family.
I'll be 30 in December. Ugh. How scary is that. Are kids the next step in my life? What if it isn't? When is the right time? What if I wait too long and can't have kids? What if kids ruin my relationship with Brandon? What if kids aren't what I want, but what I think I want or what other people think I want?
I'm driving myself crazy with these questions and thoughts. I need a new fixation. Perhaps I'll go back to politics...
On a happier note, Jane and I are headed to Key West on Sunday for a week of girl time. I can't wait!
Monday, September 29, 2008
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5 comments:
Sorry to delete, typo. I can't wait too!! We will have plenty of time to ponder these things on our trip. I have the same thoughts going on.
Relax! Things will fall into place and you will figure out what you want (although, I think you know what it is already).
I agree with Anna...just relax! Life is supposed to be scary and spontaneous, right? If we knew what we were supposed to do all the time and had everything figured out from the get-go, what would be the purpose of living? YOU AND I will both be great mothers, and our husbands will be GREAT fathers. We're fortunate to have such strong "other halves." Count your blessings, hon.
There are going to be changes and challenges if you decide to have kids there is no question about it. Will it ruin yours and Brandons relationship? Doubt it! You two seem to have a very loving and strong relationship and if it is something you both want then no biggy.The major thing I think you have to ask yourselves is how willing are you BOTH to make changes in the way your living now? What those changes are going to be you two must decide and some will be dictated by the new addition to your family. Have children because you and Brandon WANT to have children not because you think it is expected or what your "suppose" to do. There is no shame in not wanting children!Do it with eyes and mind wide open because things are going to change and you may not be able to anticipate every change that will take place. Raising a child (imo)is a HUGE responsibility and what is best for the child should ALWAYS come first. Will you make mistakes? ABSOLUTELY! Every one does, you just got to realize you did the best you could at the time. I agree with Anna I think you already know what you want you just need to relax. Either way it will be fine.
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